Reflection

I feel that I reflection is cleansing and therapeutic. This time of year, my reflect is focused on my Mother. I’ve been down and out lately and I’ve been blaming it on other things but I know why I am and I feel if release a little stress and steam, I might feel better.  You know, we take for granted what we have access to every day. But just for a minute while you read this blog, imagine that your Mother who you just talked to hours ago, and never missed a day with, just wasn’t there anymore.  

When I was growing up, the only thing I ever remember wishing I had was my Mom. It was a desire that burned into my soul and when my wish came true, it was the best feeling ever! The big factor in all this was that my Mom had never been around when I was growing up. She suffered with drug addiction and after much effort and 6 years in prison, she got her life on track! She had a decent job, she bought a brand new car, she even found a nice little house to rent. My two youngest brothers and my step-father were there and we were happy. My mother moved to Houston to be near me. We lived five minutes away from each other. My Mom taught me a lot. She taught me to survive. She made an impression on everyone she met. He house became a haven for friends and strangers alike. They knew they could get a hot meal and a good cusin’ out if they needed. I’ve witness my Mom take in a sick friend and care for him for free! She worked so hard everyday. She wanted to give her family the best life possible. And that was her drive. She couldn’t help it. It was just who and what she was.

Sadly, her new life only lasted for three years.  One Saturday afternoon, ended it all. She was home after working a 12 hour shift and suffering with  a headache that wouldn’t quit. She took a bath and never made it to her bed. I found my Mom on the floor that evening around 4:00pm. Her bed was still made.  She couldn’t talk and was in a coma. She had a massive stroke to the left side of the brain five days before my 24^th birthday. I felt like the whole world crashed down on me, that someone had knocked the breath out of my lungs. It was extreme! I found myself staring in the face of release forms for Life Support, and a doctor who was telling me that her brain was no longer responding and her heart wasn’t beating on its own. And that the only thing I ever wanted and needed was DYING!! Every stroke of the pen hurt. I didn’t want to be the one that gave written consent that it was OK to say that my beautiful, strong Mother has taken her last breath. And that she can be declared DEAD, DECEASED, IS NOT ALIVE, I didn’t want to walk that road. And if I had an option, I would have gotten my belongings, got in my car, drove home, sank in bed, and started May 24^th all over again. Maybe it would have happened, maybe I could have gotten her to the hospital in time. Maybe I wouldn’t have had to sign those ridiculous papers. Maybe should would have lived past 47 years old. Maybe we would have had her 50^th birthday party at a hotel and the theme would have been Over the Hill. Just maybe. But I guess God said that she had suffered enough. My Mom lived through a lot of hurt and pain. 47 years of heartache, but only three of those years she was able to enjoy life and be with her children and grandchild.  

 I was here, in Houston, all alone. My whole life, crumbled apart. I was upset and angry with God for allowing this to happen. My question was, “Why me?”

I can remember a few weeks after the funeral, really allowing reality to sink in. I woke up one day in absolute horror. I was really alone! There was nobody else in the world who loved me like my Mom did. Nobody understood me like she did. Who would I talk to when I had a problem? Where would the hugs come from? Who would tell me how proud they were of me? The worse part of it all was the fact that I couldn’t pick up the phone and hear her voice. I called her and got her voicemail. Needless to say, I paid her phone bill for a while just to hear her voice on the voicemail message. Then I remember a phase I went through that was just awful. All I did was cry. I would cry at work, I would cry on my way home, I would cry if I saw a movie and someone died. I was a wreck. Just thinking about it now, while I’m writing this blog is making me cry.

I really felt like I’ve changed over the years. I don’t know if I’ve changed in a good way or a bad way. But it’s made me grow up. I’ve become a devoted Mother, and I try to be there for my daughter always. I make sure I let her know just how blessed she truly is. She knows her parents and spends every day of her life with us both. We care about her education and wellbeing. She doesn’t have to wish she could get a hug. She is very loved. And her understanding and appreciating the blessings she has means the world to me.

But it’s been three years, and I’m approaching my 27^th birthday tomorrow. I’m still grieving. I want to be over it, but I don’t think I ever will. From time to time I get angry with my Mom. And I think it’s for no real reason, and I seriously hate that I feel that way. People don’t die because they have nothing else better to do. I know that she didn’t want to go, I know that she didn’t even know that she was really that sick. It took us all by surprise.  I know this is going to sound crazy and morbid, but I anticipate seeing my Mother again more than I anticipate my wedding. I can imagine being in heaven and turning around and seeing my Mom smile! I would probably be so excited I don’t know what I would do! J

Rest In Peace Karen Williams



This blog is dedicated to an Angel who was given her wings too soon.

Sunrise – December 12, 1964

Sunset – May 26, 2009

Yes..Honesty Is The Best Policy

I guess it’s difficult to be 100% about everything. Something’s are private and should be keep to one’s self. But does to same rule apply in dating?

It should! Speaking from my own experience, I’ve went on dates with the mind set of keeping it real and being upfront and honest. I think it’s easy for a man to hide facts about himself when the woman he’s dating doesn’t know him personally. For example, it’s easier to fudge on the truth when you’ve met a person on a dating website. She doesn’t know the real you and only knows what you are telling her. But dating a woman who knows you through a friend or is your friend is a lot different. The mutual friend knows your marital status, who your parents are, how many kids you have or if you have a job or not. Whereas the blind date is just what the date is called, BLIND!! Blind to your personal truths and won’t ever know the real man/woman you are. Unless the policy of honesty is taken serious.

I don’t think many people factor in the “what if”. What if the relationship gets serious? What if she/he see’s your Facebook, Twitter or other social network page? Truth has a funny way of coming out, even when we thought it was buried away and forgotten.

I had this happen to me about three years ago. I met this guy on a Christian Singles website. He was an Engineer who happened to be Haitian like my father. In fact, he knew my family! I thought it was perfect! We had discussed our situations and intentions. He was single and lived with his family. And had no children and had never been married. Needless to say, I was very excited about this date. A few weeks went by and we decided to go out to dinner near my house. The first date was wonderful, we sat and talked for hours. I had the feeling that this guy had to be the one!

About a month later we added each other on Facebook. I was looking at his photo albums and got the shock of my life! This dude had a picture standing near a door with a little boy who was ugly just like him and he was wearing a wedding ring! I could dial his number fast enough! I asked him about the picture. He got silent and had the nerve to say, “I thought I had those pictures private.” I wanted to hang up the phone but I wanted him to explain why. Why he couldn’t tell me the truth prior to going out with him. He said that he was indeed married and he and his wife were separated. She was in Florida with the little boy. He didn’t want to be married anymore and felt that if he found someone new, he would have an excuse to divorce her. He gave some sob story about her sleeping with his cousin. Blah, Blah, Blah… I asked him why would you deny your son? That’s horrible! He said that he felt if I knew the truth, I wouldn’t have went out with him. He would have been right. But I was blown away by the fact that I wasn’t even given that choice! I told him that I was glad that I found out the truth because now I had the choice to leave him alone..which I did!

He was upset and I was beyond pissed because he took me for a fool. I could never be stupid for anyone! That’s just not my thing.

If people really think before they lie, they would see that it hurts only them. After the person finds out truth, hopefully, they can move on with their lives. But the liar is stuck dealing with the fact that they don’t have the courage to tell the whole truth. It’s sad. But if you are really dating with good intentions, doesn’t it make sense to be upfront? Factor in the “What If”. Do you really want to be known as a lying dog? If your situation is jacked up, fix it and then date. Or if it’s a situation you can’t fix, be honest with yourself and others about it. Maybe that person is willing to deal with your truths and could possibly work with you to fix the situation. But a liar will never know that.

I am a 26 (about to be 27) year old single mom with a great job and a very simple life. No frills, just really basic. Believe it or not I like the no frills approach.

My life has evolved over the years and I’ve learned some very valuable lessons about friendship, love and life in general. I’m not the most optimistic person and that’s not really my fault. I think it has a lot to do with my past and with taking strides to look beyond it. In all honesty, I can be a bit cynical. Over positive people can be refreshing but I can’t be around them too long with wanting to scream..LOL I have this thing with people that aren’t tapped into reality. It drives me up the wall!!! But to each his own. I’m somewhere in between and my point of view has no room for rose colored glasses. So let’s just keep it real.

This blog is a bit of a diary and therapy for me. Life is a journey with lots of twist and turns. Granted, we are all imperfect and have flaws. So more than others. But the best way to change is to recognize the flaw, work to make the changes and keep on going. It’s life, we can’t help that. I personally have never been Miss Perfection like some people. I don’t want to be Miss Perfection because I feel my imperfections make me who I am. Yes, I do need to make some changes. Nothing major, just some lifestyle changes. But I guess everyone does.

But I really I want to discuss the pitfalls in dating. Broad subject I know. But this is from my personal perspective. I’m in my late 20’s (God! It really hurt to say that..LOL) so I’ve dated all sorts, just never out of my race but I’m working on that. Throughout the years, I’ve dated men as young as 22 and as old as 44. Every man is different, but some things never change. I can’t speak for all black men, but for the most part the issues remain the same. Too many kids and “baby mama’s”, no job, criminal history, drug user, lack of commitment, no drive, chronic liar, honey…the list goes on and on!!!

But the thing that burns me up the most is the fact that being honest is probably one of the worst problems they face.

                                                      The Advice

Here’s a bit of advice for the brothers out there who refuse to hang up their “Players Card”

 If you can tell lie without blinking, something is very wrong. Lying about marital status, how many kids you have, how much money you make, where you work or who you live with are all unnecessary lies and you’re wasting the woman’s time. If you aren’t interested in the woman just say it! Don’t make up excuses for why you can’t go out, or have the woman waiting around for you. Time is money! Fact is, she could just as simply be out with someone else instead of you! Trust, you’re not her only option.

Being cheap is another road block to love. I feel that the cost for dating is expensive. But if she’s worth it, you shouldn't try to avoid spending money. If two people are consistently dating (and I stress “consistently”) it should be understood that taking turns on paying for the dates is fair. But if you’re a brother who doesn’t work, and you know you’re broke as Cooter Brown..PLEASE DO NOT ASK A WOMAN OUT!!!! Don’t offer to take her out and expect her to spend her money on you. 99.9% of the time, she’s going to leave you standing there. I’ve done it before..so believe it..it can happen to you. I think some men have a lot of nerve to contact a lady (a working woman at that) to ask her to go out and not have any money. Trippin’!!!!

Let’s talk about kids. I have a seven year old daughter and no I’ve never been married, so yes, I have a “baby daddy”. But the difference is that he’s like my best friend. We hangout and do things with our kid together. I want him to be happy cause he’s a great guy. Just not the great guy for me. So I can honestly say that I’m blessed beyond comprehension. But some people aren’t in that kind of situation. I’ve heard stories of men and women who have messed up dramatic baby daddy/mama situations. But I think it’s unfair for a person who knows that their ex is crazy as hell to complicate another person’s life with their bad choice. I recently went out with a man who has multiple kids and multiple baby mama’s. I want to know why he chose to have all those kids and not have ever married either woman. He never gave a real explanation. I don’t think people consider their future when they make those kind of choices. Don’t get me wrong, children are a blessing. But the failure is in who you choose to have them with. Multiple women and one man will NEVER work. Everyone is fighting for the attention of that one man.  And the icing on the cake is the new lady in his life is stuck hanging in the balance trying to find out where she fits in. Unfair.com

                             Bringing It All Together

                       

With my own analyses, I’m understanding what I don’t want to deal with in my relationships. I’m not as mellow as some woman are but I do demand the person to step correct. I have love to give and I don’t want to waste my time with drama and lies.  I pride myself on living a drama free life and I know that no one has a perfect life but at least iron out the issues then seek a mate. Don’t welcome happiness into your misery.